After on and off sleep I remember waking up feeling slightly positive “I’ve done another day , we can get through today with our little man still inside ” every single day counted at this point and if I could get another day then perfect his chances are higher… I was wrong.
I remember sitting up , drinking some water because I was badly dehydrated which was causing blue to be inactive and thinking ” something isn’t right ” at that moment I thought my waters were leaking. I told the midwife who checked and said ” I don’t think it is amniotic fluid but we will keep an eye on it”. Something about that didn’t sit right with me so I called my mum to the room at 9:30AM , she had been asleep in the visitors room.
The midwife was in and out like they’d been all night , checking me , checking the iv drip, checking the magnesium etc etc . I was calm ,breathing through the contractions until the sudden urge to go to the toilet hit me. I told my mum and instantly she told the midwife. That’s when my heart sank… straight away she said ” we need to examine you because that sounds like you need to push “.
I could see it in her face, our baby was arriving today . Our tiny ,fragile , not fully developed little baby is going to be entering the world 3 months too soon. We can no longer stop it , it’s out of my control , it’s happening. She could see babies head. I was given the gas and air to get me through the contractions.
” I can see his head , your baby is going to be here within the hour” no no no this can’t be happening , I’ve had no complications , no bleeding , no trauma , there is no reason for him to be born , impossible. Tears start streaming down my face , my minds in overload ” what’s going to happen to my baby”
Suddenly it went from being me , my partner , my mum and the midwife in the room to a huge resuscitation unit , neonatal nurses ,doctors and god knows who else. OUCH!! At this point the pressure and contractions are so intense I can’t even think about the fact my son is being born too early , I’m just over come with pain. The gas and air is making me space out and unable to hear a word anyone is saying to me. Quite frankly I didn’t want to hear it.
10:32am arrived and I can’t wait any longer , I have to push right now . ” use your gut ” the midwife is saying ( apparently , I can’t hear her). So I did , I started pushing , it painful , it was heart breaking , it was unexplainable. One thing I did hear in the middle of it all ” he’s coming out in his waters ” how rare and amazing.
At 10:35am I felt the bed turn soaking wet and the midwife say ” he’s here”. I instantly said ” what the f*ck” because the gas and air had me so messed up but apologised straight away. Then it hit me all I could ask over and over was if he was okay , he didn’t cry straight away so I was literally thinking the worse. Our little boy was born at 10:35am in his amniotic sac.
He was taken onto the resuscitation unit and they tried to ventilate him which is when he let out the tiniest cry , it was the quietest noise I’ve ever heard , even now 3 months on I still remember how it sounded. At that moment I knew our little boy was strong , he clamped his mouth shut so they couldn’t put the tube down his throat to help him breath. Then that was it. They bought him round to me but all I saw was his foot and my mum snapped a quick photo which still breaks my heart to this day . Then he was gone , taken away from me down to the neonatal unit.
There I was laid on the bed after completely finishing giving birth , exhausted , emotional ,confused and quite frankly broken hearted. What should have been one of the happiest days of my life was the worst , I was completely ripped of the joy you should experience after having a baby. Instead I was left broken because instead of seeing our son straight away , having our first cuddle , skin to skin , attempting to breast feed and all those amazing moments I should have experienced I only got to his foot for 6 hours.
6 whole hours . 6 hours of not knowing , worrying , crying , thinking the absolute worst. 6 hours of trying to get my head around everything and wanting so badly to see him. I still sit here and cry about that time having no idea if I’m going to be a Mummy to a living baby or if I’m going to become an Mummy to an angel baby I can’t even put into words the pain that caused me.
I’m going to leave this post here and continue with after he was born and those horrid 6 hours of not knowing on a new post .
Ten tiny tiny toes , ten tiny tiny fingers and one tiny button nose.