The reason I haven’t written in awhile…

So you might be thinking ” it’s been awhile since a new post went up”…correct and I’m here to tell you the reason why.

As you’re aware my journey has not been easy and going from having the support of an entire medical team to just myself and family was shocking but I coped up until the end of April. I suddenly stopped and thought about everything which led to me becoming a bit down.

Now I just thought it was a phase and would disappear in a week or so… I was wrong , my mood didn’t improve and I didn’t feel like myself at all so I forced myself to the doctors. I sat sobbing my heart out explaining absolutely everything to him. He thought it would get better in time as well so gave me 2 weeks to see if I improve.

Fast forward to my check up after two weeks and I’m no better. He diagnoses me with PTSD, Anxiety and depression. Wow… how is this possible? I didn’t think I had any of those but I guess sometimes all it takes is talking to the right person.

I have been put on medication to help my symptoms and so far so good they’re definitely working. I will be back blogging soon and continuing our story!

If anyone ever suffers with mental health issues and feels alone please reach out and email me because you’re not alone and no one should suffer in silence!

Blue’s Mummy x

Our first lot of bad news…

On the 15th of January we went down from the ward to visit Blue and see how he was getting on. Everything seemed fine , he was on my breast milk meaning his fluids could slowly be decreased and the nurses seemed happy with him.

Everyday in nicu the doctors came to do their rounds , this is where they examine all the babies , see how they’re doing , run some tests and make a clear treatment plan. While up on the ward I missed most of these due to drug rounds or trying to catch some zzz’s which meant I didn’t get told about hoe Blue is doing until late morning.

On the day after he was born the doctors were super happy with him which we expected to be the same today. Nope we were completely wrong. The doctors came round and their faces told us something was wrong. They looked concerned and nervous to speak to us. That’s when they pulled me and my partner into a private room away from everyone else.

They told us they have some news which needs to be said in private away from the other parents. This instantly made us worry. We sat down with the doctor and two of his nurses on this small private room waiting to be told what was going on. ” we did a routine brain scan which all premature babies have and I’m afraid I have some news”

Blue has had 2 intraventricular haemorrhages ( two bleeds on his brain ). One was a grade 3 and one was a grade 4 which are the worst grades they could be. Our hearts shattered. I couldn’t stop crying which made it super hard to process anything the doctor was saying. She explained that this means Blue needed regular brain scans to monitor the bleeds and if they didn’t start to heal themselves and absorb then a lumbar puncture or brain drain would be needed.

How can you possibly process that , at just two days old your precious little baby has had two serious bleeds which could be life threatening. We went back into his room and sat with him for hours just trying to process the news we’d been given.

Sadly this was the first of a few bad news days….

Until next time.

Blue’s Mummy.

The first time we saw our beautiful boy..

After those 6 long hours we were finally taken down to nicu to meet our beautiful son. The walk down seemed so long and so daunting even though I’d walked in the same hallway before I had him. It was oddly quiet too.

Once outside the doors of nicu the midwife buzzed us in and went through the hygiene routine and tour of the entrance. I still remember it so clearly : coats go in the room on the right , wash hands throughly , dry them and use hand sanitiser. This was the most important part about entering nicu because dirty hands were so dangerous.

Once all that was out of the way we finally got taken to our boy. He was in room B which was intensive care and up the other end was high dependency. As we walked in all the staff were lovely and congratulated us on the birth. Blue was in incubator space 3. I remember seeing all the machines and breathing support around his incubator.

The nurse lifted the blanket off the incubator and there he was, our tiny 2lbs 7oz fragile little boy. He had a ventilator tube ,feeding tube, iv lines in his belly button, heart monitors , a cannula and jaundice lamp. It was terrifying to see him like that, we could only look at him because his skin was transparent and super sensitive. I remember crying for a good half hour because it was the biggest shock to the system seeing him like that.

His daddy couldn’t believe what he was seeing either. We both sat there for a few hours just taking everything in, asking questions about his care and just trying to process the situation. Thankfully we were staying up on the ward so at anytime we could go down and spend time with him. I also started expressing straightaway so he could have colostrum asap. I’ll be writing more about my expressing experience in another post.

We must have gone to see him about 20 times that day because we wanted him to know we were there.

Until next time…

Blue’s Mummy.

The longest 6 hours of my life.

After I gave birth to Blue they took him straight down to the neonatal unit meaning I missed out on seeing him, first cuddles, first pictures and first moment of cherishing him. All I could think about was if our son was alright.

I had a shower and got all my stuff ready to be moved up to the I was told I’d go onto a ward where it’s all nicu mums and no babies. Nope, I was put into a room with three tiny little babies and my heart broke. Seeing mums feed, cuddle, kiss, smile and interact with their newborns killed me, I cried the entire time I was in there. It wasn’t fair .

A couple hours later I was finally moved into the nicu room where there wasn’t a baby in site , we were all in the same boat. I could still hear babies crying so I was still breaking inside. My partner stayed with me the entire time , comforting me and trying to make it a little easier for me. My appetite went to pot as my mind was just focused on our son so I didn’t eat much.

I was given painkillers and an injection into my stomach while waiting to go down to see him , the injection absolutely killed. I had it for 10 days post birth. We decided not to tell anyone apart from close family and friends at this point so we weren’t bombarded with messages which was nice. My mum went home to get us some stuff for our hospital stay.

I got so sick of waiting to be taken to see him so at about 5:30pm I asked when we could go down. That’s when we were told at 6pm we would be able to, that half an hour felt like 6 Years if I’m honest. Then finally it was time, the moment we had been waiting for, longing for and seriously anxious for arrived and we went to see our son.

Keep an eye out for the next post to get an insight into the first time we saw Blue.

Blue’s Mummy.

The day our beautiful fighter entered the world.

After on and off sleep I remember waking up feeling slightly positive “I’ve done another day , we can get through today with our little man still inside ” every single day counted at this point and if I could get another day then perfect his chances are higher… I was wrong.

I remember sitting up , drinking some water because I was badly dehydrated which was causing blue to be inactive and thinking ” something isn’t right ” at that moment I thought my waters were leaking. I told the midwife who checked and said ” I don’t think it is amniotic fluid but we will keep an eye on it”. Something about that didn’t sit right with me so I called my mum to the room at 9:30AM , she had been asleep in the visitors room.

The midwife was in and out like they’d been all night , checking me , checking the iv drip, checking the magnesium etc etc . I was calm ,breathing through the contractions until the sudden urge to go to the toilet hit me. I told my mum and instantly she told the midwife. That’s when my heart sank… straight away she said ” we need to examine you because that sounds like you need to push “.

I could see it in her face, our baby was arriving today . Our tiny ,fragile , not fully developed little baby is going to be entering the world 3 months too soon. We can no longer stop it , it’s out of my control , it’s happening. She could see babies head. I was given the gas and air to get me through the contractions.

” I can see his head , your baby is going to be here within the hour” no no no this can’t be happening , I’ve had no complications , no bleeding , no trauma , there is no reason for him to be born , impossible. Tears start streaming down my face , my minds in overload ” what’s going to happen to my baby”

Suddenly it went from being me , my partner , my mum and the midwife in the room to a huge resuscitation unit , neonatal nurses ,doctors and god knows who else. OUCH!! At this point the pressure and contractions are so intense I can’t even think about the fact my son is being born too early , I’m just over come with pain. The gas and air is making me space out and unable to hear a word anyone is saying to me. Quite frankly I didn’t want to hear it.

10:32am arrived and I can’t wait any longer , I have to push right now . ” use your gut ” the midwife is saying ( apparently , I can’t hear her). So I did , I started pushing , it painful , it was heart breaking , it was unexplainable. One thing I did hear in the middle of it all ” he’s coming out in his waters ” how rare and amazing.

At 10:35am I felt the bed turn soaking wet and the midwife say ” he’s here”. I instantly said ” what the f*ck” because the gas and air had me so messed up but apologised straight away. Then it hit me all I could ask over and over was if he was okay , he didn’t cry straight away so I was literally thinking the worse. Our little boy was born at 10:35am in his amniotic sac.

He was taken onto the resuscitation unit and they tried to ventilate him which is when he let out the tiniest cry , it was the quietest noise I’ve ever heard , even now 3 months on I still remember how it sounded. At that moment I knew our little boy was strong , he clamped his mouth shut so they couldn’t put the tube down his throat to help him breath. Then that was it. They bought him round to me but all I saw was his foot and my mum snapped a quick photo which still breaks my heart to this day . Then he was gone , taken away from me down to the neonatal unit.

There I was laid on the bed after completely finishing giving birth , exhausted , emotional ,confused and quite frankly broken hearted. What should have been one of the happiest days of my life was the worst , I was completely ripped of the joy you should experience after having a baby. Instead I was left broken because instead of seeing our son straight away , having our first cuddle , skin to skin , attempting to breast feed and all those amazing moments I should have experienced I only got to his foot for 6 hours.

6 whole hours . 6 hours of not knowing , worrying , crying , thinking the absolute worst. 6 hours of trying to get my head around everything and wanting so badly to see him. I still sit here and cry about that time having no idea if I’m going to be a Mummy to a living baby or if I’m going to become an Mummy to an angel baby I can’t even put into words the pain that caused me.

I’m going to leave this post here and continue with after he was born and those horrid 6 hours of not knowing on a new post .

Blue’s Mummy.

Ten tiny tiny toes , ten tiny tiny fingers and one tiny button nose.

The day before my life changed forever…

Friday 12th January 2018 after being sent home from hospital Thursday I spent the night fast asleep not remembering the pains…. until they started again. This time the pain was worse and I had my show. I called the hospital and explained what happened to be told ” it’s normal ” , I stood my ground and said the pains are worse so the called me back in.

When we arrived back at the hospital I waited for the midwife to hook me up to the monitor again. Yet again the contractions couldn’t be picked up , so the midwife got a doctor to feel my tummy. The doctor could feel the contractions so decided I needed to be examined. A new doctor came and did some swabs then the examination. I was 3cm dilated and they could see his head. That’s when everything got scary.

Suddenly I was having a cannula put in each hand, a steroid injection in my leg , tablets to stop the contractions or to try slow labour down all while I was being spoken to by my midwife and the neonatal nurse who explained what was going to happen to Blue if I had him. I was then moved into a high dependency birthing suite where I had antibiotics and magnesium via a drip. Now the magnesium was for babies brain and the steroids were for his lungs to help mature them a bit.

In the high dependency birthing suite I was checked on every 15 minutes so sleep was out of the question. I had the nicest midwife looking after me who made sure any questions I had were answered and made sure I had anything I needed. I was given more tablets to stop labour which actually slowed contractions to an hour apart which made me think labour was stopping and he’d be in there a few more weeks. I can’t even explain what was going through my head whilst all this was happening , my anxiety went sky high and I thought I’d loose our little boy.

I think in total I had about 2 hours sleep in between checks which wasn’t great. Charley the midwife left at 8am on Saturday and just before she went she said ” I think you’ll have had him by the time I start my shift at 8pm” .

A rather short post but next comes his birth and the emotions run high.

Blue’s Mummy.

Two days before Blue was born…

Thursday 11th January I was sat on my bed at about 4am and I started getting pain in my lower abdomen and back. At first I didn’t think anything of it as there was no bleeding etc but then the pains started making me cry so I woke my mum up. She said to call maternity which I did , they then passed me over to bath ruh who made me go in.

I called my partner at work and explained what was happening and said how we needed to pick him up to go to the hospital. We got to his work at 5:30am and headed straight for the hospital. Once we got to the hospital at around 6am I was taken straight in and hooked up to the monitor for 20 minuets. Blue’s heart rate was fine and so was mine but I was still getting pains. They couldn’t pick up contractions on the monitor so I stayed on it for an hour in total.

The doctor came round and said they were going to examine me when another doctor is free. Then came change over… a new doctor came on and she wasn’t the nicest woman , came straight in putting her hands all over my stomach pushing really hard to feel babies placement. She then decided they weren’t going to examine me and proceeded to send me home telling me it was Brixton hicks and is completely normal.

Being a first time mum I wasn’t sure if it was normal or not so I went home. I was still getting the pains but as I was told they were Brixton hicks I went to bed. The pains stopped and I managed to get a full nights sleep.

Okay so I’ll leave the next part to the next post as it’s the day before his birth and it’s pretty lengthy.

Blue’s Mummy.

Before they sent me home.